I hate surprises.

Sure, they aren’t the bane of my existence, but I still despise them enough that I have to buy my own birthday/Christmas presents (with my parent’s credit cards, of course).

But the worst thing that comes with being intolerable to surprises is that I spoil every single book and movie I plan to read/see.

It was a habit that started when I was young, probably because I was extremely hyperactive and didn’t have any patience at all (I would definitely fail the Marshmallow Test if I took it). Usually, if I was really interested in a book, I would read the whole plot summary on Wikipedia or ask my sister to tell me everything before picking it up. If for some reason I didn’t spoil the book beforehand, I would skip to the end and read snippets of the last few pages.

I would do this so often that if book clubs were more of a thing, you probably wouldn’t want me to be part of yours, and if I didn’t hate any kind of distraction during movies, you definitely wouldn’t want to see a movie with me.

It’s a huge problem.

Because spoiling things for yourself is just not fun.

Last year I decided to go spoiler-free after watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Most people who at least talk to me about stuff other than school probably know that I’m kind of very obsessed with Star Wars (I was not lying when I said that I watched Episode III when I was five). But of course, I spoiled the first Star Wars movie to come out since 2005. I knew about Kylo Ren relationship with Han, Han’s death, Han’s and Leia’s separation, Finn x Poe, Obi-Wan’s voice cameo, etc. I pretty much knew everything which meant that I didn’t gasp in the theater like everyone else when Kylo Ren was revealed to be Han’s son and when Kylo killed him. I felt terrible when I realized that I missed an opportunity to feel the emotions that Star Wars fans felt when they found out Darth Vader was Luke’s father. So, I promised myself that I would not spoil anything for myself nor let anyone spoil anything for me.

I have been keeping this promise for over a year, but it isn’t easy. For example (and this is where the “slice of life” stuff comes in), I have been keeping my eyes away from anything related to the upcoming Star Wars movie–Rogue One.

It’s sooooo haaaaard, especially since it’s been getting great reviews and I really need to know if they’re killing off Riz Ahmed’s character who’s pretty much the only brown person in Star Wars (Deepa Billaba doesn’t count because she only had a one-second cameo in Phantom Menace and she’s dead). But, as much as I want to click on the spoiler-filled articles about the movie, I don’t. I stare at my phone screen, cry a little internally for a quick moment, and then quickly scroll down before my natural impulses kicks in.

I really don’t trust myself.

But I’m working on it.